It’s international women’s day, and I’m about to get a little salty.
Which isn’t very “lady-like” of me, so, I take GREAT pleasure in being just as salty as I want.
I was thinking this morning about “purity culture”
A culture I grew up under and am extremely familiar with (and am still trying to heal from).
If you are unfamiliar, here’s the gist:
- Men have sexual urges, thoughts, desires, etc. and those are bad. (Already I have beef with this line of thinking, but that’ll have to be another post on another day as to our messed up views of sex and sexuality, both male & female…ok, back to purity culture)
- Women should therefore remove any chance of “causing men to stumble” by dressing in a way that would hide any part of their bodies that could potentially arouse men sexually.
- If a man lusts after a woman we will come down on and shame the WOMAN in this equation because she was “asking for it” by dressing provocatively.
- Here, in case you are confused, we have created a “Modesty check-list” after polling a group of white, heterosexual men and learning what arouses them, please read this list and consult it when dressing or buying any new piece of clothing to make sure you don’t arouse a man – poor, helpless, unable to control his own eyes, body or mind, little man.
So, a couple of things that came to mind….first of all, sexual arousal is not bad. Can we just accept the fact that we were created to be sexual beings with sexual urges? Is that ok for me to say? Actually I don’t care if you think it’s ok – it’s true and I’m saying it. Repressing urges and desires that are a vital and integral part of our very being does NOTHING but create a culture of shame and secrecy which in turn only serves to further pervert and create wounds around something that should be amazing and celebrated and beautiful.
So, can we just stop with that?
Sex is not a bad word, I use is freely and regularly around my kids and answer honestly any questions they have around it.
I don’t want them to EVER feel ashamed of their sex drive, try to hide it from me or feel ashamed of it.
Men will find women sexually appealing.
Making them feel bad or guilty about that is wrong.
There is nothing we can do (or should do)to stop that.
Why are we trying to be more “pure” than God himself who created sex and said it is good. It also adds undo stress, pressure and conflicting messaging to men around an already loaded topic/area of life.
Where the perversion comes in the male/female sexual relationships is when men decide they are BETTER than women, and therefore reduce women to objects that only exist to serve their physical urges and CONSUME women with their minds, words and bodies.
The violent and arrogant CONSUMPTION of women is the problem – NOT A HEALTHY SEX DRIVE. (do I need to say that again?)
When women are seen as something to be dominated.
When women are possessions.
When women are objects.
When women are controlled for the purpose of serving a man.
THIS is where sex turns ugly.
THIS is why porn is the enemy of amazing sex.
It detaches the SOUL of a woman, her personality, her heart, her affection, her emotions, her WHOLENESS, from her body.
It teaches men to reduce a woman to her body and her body ONLY.
it encourages men to see women as an object to consume.
THIS is the problem – NOT A HEALTHY SEX DRIVE.
Only when one consumes porn can one detach a woman’s soul from her body so easily – when you are sexually encountering an actual human, looking into their eyes, feeling their heart beat, their breath, it is hard to disconnect their body from their soul.
If she’s not in the mood you have to actually TALK to her, treat her as a person rather than an object – CAN YOU IMAGINE! THE HORROR – how could we possibly expect a man to do this – CRAZY! 🙄
But porn thrives when sex is seen as a bad thing.
When it’s something to be done in secret.
Not to be talked about.
Can we just stop with this??
It’s not about the length of a woman’s skirt, it’s about the messaging that this woman was created to SERVE and be subservient to a man that is the problem.
This messaging is present in the man who GRABS her and takes advantage of her AND EQUALLY present in the man who GRABS her and tells her to put on some “decent” clothing.
BOTH approaches treat the woman as an object that can (and should) be controlled by “the man” and what HE needs/wants from her.
BOTH approaches seek to CONTROL women.
Can we just stop with that?
If a man is acting out on sexual urges in a violent or self-destructive way the ONLY response to this should be to dig deeper into what is going on in his brain and heart that needs to be healed/understood.
If a woman is dressing in a sexual and revealing way the ONLY response to this should be to dig deeper into what is going on in her brain and heart and see if there is anything that needs to be healed.
Sexual perversion, violence, neediness, co-dependency —-> are all types of bondage, all INDICATORS of a deeper problem.
Trying to control men by telling them to “not become sexually aroused” doesn’t HELP!
Trying to control women by telling them how to dress doesn’t HELP!
Digging deeper to find out WHY someone is in the particular brand of bondage they are in and why it’s manifesting in the way it is – FROM A PLACE OF EMPATHY, COMPASSION AND RESPECT is the only correct response.
So, why do we opt for controlling behavior instead? oh, it’s simpler…until it doesn’t work and we are so broken we can barely walk, function, love, live.
I want more friends.
I want more for myself, for my kids, for their spouses, for us all.
Can we just stop with being overly obsessed with the manifestations of brokenness and finally address the REAL problems first?
And can we please stop trying to sexually violate women on both sides of the same coin? Don’t touch us, Don’t tell us how to dress, Don’t shame us for YOUR issues, Don’t punish us for your lack of self-control.
Happy International Women’s Day.