Hi, my name is Vanessa, and I’m a work-a-holic.

I say it like it’s a bad thing, but most people don’t care.
There’s only shame in admitting you’re addicted to certain things, like sex or drugs or alcohol…but work? Nah, that’s fine, it’s still bondage and your life will still be completely messed up by it, but that’s fine – it doesn’t offend or alarm anyone.
It’s a messed up society in that way.

When money is king and work gives you money…
Oh, you’re a work-a-holic? Good for you. Providing for your family.

Providing for your family.

That’s a funny phrase.
Providing what?
Comfort at ALL times? Never experiencing any lack what so ever?
Never having to say no to any impulse at any time?

Is that what provision means?
Is that what we’re really after?
Complete and utter lack of self-control or boundaries through the amassing of large sums of money?

If I’m rich enough…
I’ll never be afraid.
I can treat people how ever I want.
I can satisfy every physical urge.
You know what that sounds like to me? ….a baby.

A baby.
Who knows someone will come and do whatever they want and give them whatever they need if they just throw a big enough tantrum. (Or have a big enough bank account) *

Is this what we are after in our quest for money?

I get it…no one wants to say “No, I can’t afford that.” on a regular basis. We were built for pleasure, we were wired to crave popcorn when we smell it, and the surge of happy chemicals we receive when we pull out our credit card and charge $8.50 for a large popcorn at the theater is almost too enticing to resist.

It sends a message to our brains:
“Not only are you about to enjoy the amazing crunchy, buttery, salty popcorn that the chemicals in your brain are preparing you enjoy (am I the only one whose mouth is watering?) but you are also SO good at your job and so valuable to your company that you were given a measure of your worth in the form of dollars, direct deposited to your bank account in such an abundance that you are now going to frivolously spend an inordinate amount of money on corn (one of the most inexpensive and abundant resources in our country) JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN.

It’s like my ego and my tastebuds can hardly stand it – so much pleasure all rolled up into one $8.50 purchase.

And so, like a baby who got what he wanted I escape into a dark room with my spoils, feeling good about my worth in the world, how my employer feels about me, how I feel about myself and in no way have to engage with another human for the next two and a half hours, simply sit back, stuff my face with this fragrant goodness and forget about any form of reality.

THIS. This is what money buys us. Escape.

So, I’m a work-a-holic and nobody cares.
I wish I could also not care…only, I do now.

I care because work has become my addiction.
My escape (Can you believe I’d rather work than go to the movies? True story)

And when I don’t have it, a baby I become, throwing my tantrum, trying to get what I need through hustle and grit and all the things the motivation quotes tell me are good (and they are…until they aren’t).

Only I’m not a baby. And as disgusting and strange as it would be for me to sit on my couch and cry all day until someone in my family fed me or put me down for a nap – when I am perfectly capable of doing those things (and more) for myself. It’s time for me to grow up, and realize I don’t need work to be my validation. I don’t need money to be my escape. I don’t need to go back to being a baby.

I’m a little sick of it to be honest. (I mean, it’s all I know, and it feels so damn comfortable, but still….I can’t help but feel silly sucking my thumb at 32 years old)

I want to grow up. A lot of this growing up will deal with my views on work and money and identity.
I blame this “reevaluating work” journey on a silly thing called : freedom.

She’s been calling out to me, teasing me with what I COULD be and how I COULD feel if I’m brave enough to step outside the boat.

And while I’m not sure I’m ready for that just yet…
I need a space to do work around work.
And you’ve just stumbled upon it.

Welcome.

Grab some popcorn and settle in.

* Part of my work around work and money and identity will involve me unpacking wealth bias, which is the view point that to be wealthy is to be evil, to be selfish. “Wealthy people probably got all that money through devious ways.” and the poor are the more pious and righteous and good hearted people. – which is just garbage and not true and yet, it’s deep in the layers of my brain. I’m sure you hear it in this post – just wanted you to know I am aware, and we’ll get to that in due time.